Kayden's Announcement

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Week In Review

Sun, Feb 27- Sightseeing

We left bright and early and are finally here!!!! Well almost. We made it to Hoboken NJ this afternoon. Our hotel is only about a mile from Manhattan just across the Hudson River. We checked in quick and took the ferry into Manhattan for a little sight seeing. Excitement is running high amoung everyone and the kids couldn't wait to hit their favorite spots, the M&M Store and Times Square ToysR'Us. We are so excited that our Moms could both come on this trip with us, but I think we've worn them out already!

We were able to see the whole gang today. We picked Dommy up from his Dad's and visited briefly with Melissa, Sam and the boys back at the apartment. It was so nice seeing them again and watching the kids all play together. And we were thrilled that Vinny had remembered us.

Tomorrow is the big doctor's appointment. Supposedly they will do a "tap" to make sure that the baby's lungs are developed enough for delivery on Tuesday. Nerves have really set it.....and I am praying, praying, praying that we don't experience another delay or hiccup.

Mon, Feb 28th- Visiting & Doc Appointment
Morning-I wasn't really nervous about today until it actually came. I guess I hadn't entertained the possibility that maybe they wouldn't take the baby tomorrow. That we could be here for an indefinite amount of time, or worse, have to go back home and wait. But now that we are here, literally and figuratively...I am beyond anxious. What would we do if she doesn't go in tomorrow?!? I can't even go there.

Afternoon- We finally arrived at the appointed hour of the eagerly anticpated doctor's visit. Shawn and I sat with Melissa in this tiny waiting room for what seemed like forever! Fortunately we had a little entertainment from these two "Italian Jersey" sisters, and I mean that in every sense of the term! Thankfully they provided some distraction and comic relief while we waited. When Melissa finally came out she was spitting nails mad and all I heard her say is, "They are not doing it now!" Of course I freaked and almost tossed my lunch. Eventually I realized she meant they were not doing the tap....that regardless of the results, baby had to come tomorrow. Thank you Jesus for something going right!

So we spent the rest of day with Melissa running last minute errands. It was great spending time with her without the distraction of all of the kids. (Much thanks to The Grandmas for tending the kids during all of this.) Later, we picked Sam and Vinny up for dinner and since we couldn't fit everyone in one trip, we took shifts. Alex had fun taking photos of Vinny while Shawn brought over the rest of the gang. (Can you tell I was stressed and exhausted!) It was a nice dinner, but of course there was the one very large elephant in the room. Everyone's lives were about to change.

Tues, Mar 1st- "D" Day
Sadly, it's taken me 5 months to sit down and begin journaling the next 3 days and was only recently finished. Some of it was just being overwhelmed with caring for a newborn and finding the rhythm of being a working mom of three. But truth be told, I didn't want to face the emotions of those incredibly intense and emotional 3 days. But here it goes.

The morning of March 1st, Shawn and I left the hotel early. I was so anxious, I can only imagine how Melissa must have felt! We picked her up early and brought Dommy for a quick breakfast before school. Shawn then dropped us off at the hospital before going back to the hotel to get the kids and our moms. We were painfully early which just added to the hours of waiting. The c-section wasn't scheduled until 1pm.



Melissa and I had plenty of time once at the hospital. Those next hours were spent chatting and with her trying to get some rest, which of course didn't really happen. I wish I had a window into her thoughts. I can't begin to imagine. I remember feeling guilty every time they poked her or when she winced in pain. They had a particularly difficult time getting the iv in and I held her other hand while they tried repeatedly without success. I don't know who squeezed harder. I wished I could have taken some of that burden from her. But she was giving me this gift I had yet to experience. Although I was present as nearly each and every one of my nieces as nephews entered this world, I had not met my own children until days later. I never experienced their births. And Melissa was so generous to share this with me. This would also be the first time I would hear my child's heartbeat in utero. It was all very surreal. And the nurse was adamant that it was a boy, based on a strong and fast heartbeat. After hours of insisting, she had us too convinced.



Finally, after too many delays to name, it was time to bring Melissa to the OR. I followed her to the room and waited outside the door while they got her prepped for surgery. I waited for awhile before someone brought me scrubs to put on. By this time, my phone was literally blowing up with messages because baby should have already arrived. I then waited for what seemed like an eternity. Truthfully I assumed they had forgotten me, and I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I might be missing it. I actually had my ear pressed against the door listening for the sounds of a baby's first cry, when the door suddenly opened. Of course, in all her awesomeness, Melissa had repeatedly reminded them not to forget me. Have I mentioned how incredible she is?



The next few moments happened pretty fast. I sat at Melissa's head and we exchanged a few simple words. I remember the smells and sounds like it was only moments ago. As the anesthesia kicked in Melissa was becoming noticeably sick. I grabbed the little pink pail, held her head up so she could "get sick" and then wiped her mouth. This happened several times and for some reason is a scene I have replayed over in my head a number of times since. Though only a small gesture, it solidified that we were in this together. Two Mothers brought together by the love of a child. It also was a physical reminder of everything she endured to bring these babies into the world and ultimately to us.



Suddenly, at 2:58 pm...the first cries were heard and the doctor congratulated Melissa on the birth of her daughter, it was a girl! A GIRL. Oh how I prayed for Melissa and Sam's sake that it had been another boy. The fact that it was her only girl, was going to make a already gut wrenching experience even harder yet. I think we both burst into tears immediately. I held her hand and kissed her head. It was the first time I had seen Melissa cry. Few words were exchanged, they weren't necessary, we saw it all in each other's eyes.





I continued to hold Melissa's hand as I watched them pound on Kayden's back and suction her mouth. She still hadn't seen her yet. After a minute or two they allowed me over to take a few pictures. I brought the camera back to Melissa and showed her the most beautiful brown-eyed, black haired baby girl. She was perfect! And I knew instantly what her middle name would be.







Soon after, the docs had to work on Melissa more so she encouraged me to go up to the nursery with Kayden. I wish I could say I remember the next few moments, but they are a blur. The next thing I remember was being with Kayden at the nursery when Shawn, Alex, Cullen, Grandma & Grammy arrived. I was able to tell Alex that she had the little sister she'd been praying for! Within seconds, it was a chaotic scene. The Grandmas on their phones calling home, Alex was squealing with excitement, Cullen whining that he wanted Mom and Shawn with a video camera in everyone's faces.



After the excitement, it was obvious that the kids were exhausted and tired of being cooped up in the hospital. And I was on extreme emotional overload. It would be another 2 hours until Melissa was awake and the nursery wanted to get Kayden back to do what it is that they do. (NYC hospitals are a very different experience from what I am used to.) So I went along with the family, who of course had only one thing on their minds - shopping. I remember walking up and down the baby aisles listening to them all "ooo" and "ahhh" over the cute baby clothes, yet I was a million miles away. My heart was torn between the 2nd and 3rd floors back at St Vincent's Hospital. I did not want to be shopping and I certainly didn't want to be celebrating. There would be plenty of time for that, but right then I was just so very sad...and scared. It was then that I made a conscious decision to turn off all emotions. It would thrust myself into survival mode, protect your heart at all cost. And I did try.



Once we returned to the hospital I quickly checked on Melissa who was still groggy, but waking up. Soon after, Sam arrived unexpectedly and things got a little crazy. Melissa then was in a room and everyone was able to meet Kayden. I took no pictures (which says a lot). Lets just say that the evening was INTENSE and leave it at that.



The hospital was very kind in that they issued me a parent band so that I could stay in between visiting hours and request the baby from the nursery. But they didn't allow me to stay the night. This was fine, because I really felt that Alex and Cullen needed me with them. So when visiting hours were over, we took Sam and Vinny home and went back to the hotel for a late dinner. Everyone was exhausted and sleep came quickly. But suddenly, at 4am, I shot awake. Never had I left my newborn baby. It felt so unnatural. I wanted more than anything to be with her. My chest physically hurt. As much as I tired to build a temporary wall, it was useless. Kayden had my whole heart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. At that, I became angry. How could I allow myself to fall in love with a baby that might not be ours in the end. So I locked myself in the bathroom, turned the fan on to block out the noise and had myself a very long and very ugly cry.
Months later, Matt Hammitt's released "All of Me" and so much of that song would strike a cord.

She WAS worth all of me.




Tues, Mar 2nd- "Emotions Run High"



At the first sign of daybreak, I begged Shawn to get me back to the hospital ASAP and, sensing the urgency, he did.



For the most part, the next day was just me and Melissa alone in her room with Kayden. We talked, we sat in silence. We passed Kayden back and forth, each bonding in our own ways. By that evening, everyone was back up for visiting hours. It was then that I heard those dreaded words I had feared for the last two months, "Dad says he is not signing". The next few hours were, again, "intense". My heart broke for Melissa and Sam. None of this was fair. I truly wished they had been in a position to raise Kayden, and I know that was their wish too. But reality was so different, and I had seen it with my own eyes. So we held to a trust that, in the end, a father would see past the desires of his heart and do what was best for his only daughter. But the stress and tension was palpable.


We would go back to hotel and pray for the best.



Wed, March 3rd-
By Wednesday everyone was exhausted. Emotions were spent. Kids were getting restless and tired of living out of a hotel room. We decided to get a slower start. Shawn would take Cullen and Alex swimming and we'd have a late breakfast before heading out. The Kohl's and Babies 'R Us bags filled with "all things pink" still sat untouched. As beautiful as I am sure they were, I couldn't even look through the clothes that The Grandmas had bought. Would we be bring Kayden home or be leaving the bags and our hearts on Staten Island. Melissa and Sam were due to "sign" the papers later that day. I would hold my breath and spend the entire day in prayer. Throughout the course of the next few hours, my phone and inbox were filled with prayers, scriptures and words of encouragements from so many people. If you participated in this, THANK YOU. You will never know how much that meant to me and it got us through that day. I may not have answered messages during that time, but I felt the love and took comfort in knowing that we were literally being covered in prayer by so many. For the first time in 9 weeks, I felt the peace that passes all understanding. I felt His presence and knew that whatever the day held, to God be the glory.


And the day may have been an incredibly long one, but by the grace of God, the flexibility of two Social Workers and the sacrifice of two incredibly amazing individuals....Kayden was ours! To keep and to love. Forever. And I could finally breathe.





It wasn't until about 10pm and after a total run around from the hospital staff, but Kayden was eventually cleared for discharge. Around 11pm, we said our goodbye's. Melissa dressed Kayden in her "going home jammies" and kissed her goodbye. We took comfort in knowing our final good-bye wouldn't come until the next day when we brought Melissa home from the hospital and shared a little more time with Sam and the boys.







Thurs, Mar 4th- "Home Going"
It was early when Melissa called. She said they had decided that we wouldn't be seeing them that day after all. Melissa would make arrangements to be picked up from the hospital and Sam agreed that seeing Kayden wasn't a good idea yet. So we packed the van and headed home. Pulling out of the parking lot for the last time was difficult. Knowing what, or rather who, we left behind was difficult. We had left as changed people for what had seen and experienced. Oh how I wished we could pack them all up and bring them home. Dommy and Vinny had stolen our hearts. And Melissa, well there is no describing the love and gratitude we have for her. And Sam continues to be in our prayers as he fights his own demons.

I still find it amazing that Kayden is ours. We went through so much to bring Alex and Cullen home. They were so incredibly wanted. And then there was Kayden. A complete surprise that nearly knocked me off my feet. I wouldn't have dared to dream of or pray for another child. But I really feel like she was God's gift. Like He said, "I won't just answer your prayers, I will exceed them". And He certainly did.

We love you so much Kayden Melissa! Happy 1st Birhday!!!!

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away?

And I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart

And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every falling tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Packed

Sat, Feb 26

Almost packed and so ready to go! I can't wait to get this show on the road!!!

Gathering: The Precursor to Packing

I started packing today...or at least "gathering" the things that will eventually be packed. I figure that this baby has been full of surprises thus far and to not be prepared would most certainly ensure getting a last minute call that "it was time, come now". So, step one was getting all Alex & Cullen's clothes gathered. Check.

Next is charging the cameras, kids iPods, DSs, Mobigo, etc. And making sure we have all the batteries and cords for each.

I also pulled the carseat out of the box and washed the bundle me. Still seems so surreal. That an actual baby will go in there. And come home with us FOREVER. I mean, ya we have been through this twice before, but adoption always amazes me! We are so excited to bring home Baby Caden/Kayden! Only a week and a half to go now.

Due Date

It's been another crazy week around here. We've been busy gathering last minute baby items, making travel arrangements, filing for FMLA, etc. According to all the other docs, baby would be scheduled to arrive early next week. So we made plans. M made plans. And the doc that M saw today....made other plans. March 3rd!

I guess that means we won't be leaving tomorrow as planned.

Surprisingly I am pretty ok with this latest twist. I have had total peace all week long and trust that this delay is also for good reason.

However I am still starting to pack now anyways as this baby has proven to be full of surprises!

Progress

Feels like we got some things accomplished this weekend! I painted the nursery a nice neutral color and put the crib up today. This is REALLY happening, isn't it?!?

It also feels like I turned a corner today. For some reason, Friday and Saturday were really difficult. I could feel myself getting increasingly anxious. Not the "so excited you can barely stand it". But rather the "sick to your stomach, what if this whole thing falls apart" type of anxious. Felt super emotional all day yesterday. I kept telling myself that it was normal and it would only be a matter of time, but I hated the feeling.

But during church this morning I was reminded how God did not intend for us to experience anxiety.

(Phil 4:6 NKJV) Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;

So once again, I have given it back to God. I know that He has brought us to this point for a reason and I trust His perfect plan for our lives. And somehow, that makes everything better.

Let Go. Let God.

Yes, that is apparently the lesson I am to learn from all of this.

As you could probably guess...gender is still unknown. But delivery day could be as soon as next week! This baby sure likes to keep everyone on their toes!

Must. Keep. Busy.

So if I said I wasn't obsessing over tomorrow's appointment, how many people think I'd be lying? Ya, me too. Can't help it. Won't fight it. Need to know.

Will it be Caden William or Kayden Elizabeth?

Checklists

We are quickly approaching the home stretch. Only a few more weeks to go. Tomorrow is the big day...hopefully we get to find out pink or blue! And, soon after, have a delivery date!!!!!!

It's no secret that I am a big checklist type person. And although I still feel overwhelmed at the amount of stuff still left to do, we have accomplished a lot.



Checked off the list as completed:
Infant carseat/stroller/playard/bouncy seat/bassinet
Ordered Crib
Purchased necessities (diaper bag, diapers, wipes, onesies, gowns & jammies, bottles, pacifiers, etc)
Picked out names
Applied for FMLA
Sent in 90% of homestudy update paperwork
Fingerprints
TB testing for the Adults
Homestudy visit

Still left to accomplish:
TB testing for the kids
Physical for me
Fingerprinting for Shawn
Paint the nursery
Move furniture & set up crib
Borrow swing

Reflecting on our Visit

We had such a wonderful weekend with Cullen's birthfamily. It's been so long since we have seen Melissa, and it was great to meet Sam and the boys. Cullen and Vincent look so much alike! And all three boys have that same sweet personality. At times I just sat back and watched the kids interact and felt so blessed that they all have this amazing opportunity with one another.

I talked to my sister the other day about the visit and she said, "I just kept thinking it was strangely normal. Like they were just another part of the family and always had been." And it's true. I think this is one of my favorite photos. If captioned, it would say so much. My mom, looking over my sister's shoulder. My sister holding Cullen's full biological brother. An extended and blended family brought together by love.

Birthfamily Visit

We have been having an awesome time visiting with Cullen and the Baby's birthparents, Sam and Melissa!

What a Difference a Week Makes

So much has happened in this last week and I wish I had more time to go into detail! But we have, yet again, seen the mighty hand of God move over our lives. And I can't wait to see His whole plan unfold!

Melissa had her sonogram on Tuesday and we were so anxious to find out a due date. We had anticipated waiting another 3 to 4 months, so you can imagine our surprise when they told her it would be more like 3 to 4 WEEKS!!!! wow. Wow. WOW.

Needless to say it has been a crazy week as we consider all that still needs to be done. I've bought bottles, diapers, wipes, onesies, sleepers, pacifiers, a car seat, a bouncy seat, etc. Mom and Aunt Nancy bought us a new pack-n-play and friends have lent us all sorts of things. We are overwhelmed with everyone's generosity.

We had also hoped to empty out the nursery and start painting. But Melissa, Sam and the boys will be coming to visit instead!!! Which we are so happy about. We'll get to meet Sam and the boys and see Melissa again for the first time in almost three years. We are so excited and know they are too.

Will try to post again soon. Only one more week until the more high-tech sonogram which will hopefully tell us the gender. Pink or Blue?

Baby Steps

Found this in our mailbox today...
This means we can officially start the Homestudy update process. Hooray! One step closer.

Restless

Feeling a little restless today. Ok, every day since we've found out. The truth is that I don't do the waiting thing so well. Especially without a real timeframe to fix my focus on. Will it be May like M thinks? Or April? Or, God forbid, June or July? The only thing getting me through is knowing that every day is one day closer. And that's one less night I will go to bed with this uncertainty that steels my sleep and my every thought. I have fallen so in love with idea of bringing this baby home. There is now an empty space in our home and in our hearts that didn't exist a month ago.

Hopefully the next few weeks bring more answers. Like when is he/she due to arrive? Will we get to find out the gender? And the big question of where we will be living. We'll have to get the homestudy started soon and that could be problematic during a move too. So, at this point, I am envisioning us staying here for awhile longer and that's fine. It would be a lot less pressure that's for sure! But we'll see.

Please keep M and the babe in your prayers! Will update again when I know more.

Let the shopping begin!

So I wouldn't be embracing this experience to the fullest extent if I didn't start shopping right? So I just had to browse the sales racks this week at Target and BabiesR'Us. Figured if it was a good deal, I'd get both genders and take back what we didn't use, right.

So here is the start...aren't they precious?!?











And the closet so far...

Lessons learned through Situation Comedy

Over the next of couple days, Melissa and I talked several more times. Of course we agreed to adopt the baby and I apologized for being so shocked at first. I assured her that we were both thrilled about the baby. I'm still not sure if I was trying to convince her of that, or convince myself.

We spoke later that week on Facebook chat. We talked about her clinic appointment on Friday and how we were both excited to get a due date and maybe even find out the gender if possible. But Friday came and went and no call from her. Then Saturday and Sunday. And it hit. Maybe I DID really want this baby.

It was only when I thought that maybe she had changed her mind and maybe we wouldn't be welcoming this baby home that I realized what was really in my heart all along. It reminded me of the Friends episode with Rachel and Phoebe. Rachel was afraid she might be pregnant and Phoebe stayed with her while she took the at home test. Just watch this clip.

That was it. I DID want this baby and maybe I was just to afraid to admit it, even to myself.

The phone call that changed everything...

It was the afternoon of Tuesday, December 28th. A not so typical weekday that Shawn and I had taken off of work to bring the kids ice skating. When we got off the ice, I noticed a text from Melissa, Cullen's birthmom, asking that we call her that night. Not that we don't love hearing from Melissa, but this had us a bit curious. The tone was different and we knew something was most definitely "up". And we'd waited six long hours to make the call. So 9:02 hit and I dialed. That one phone call, just like the ones we'd received on June 23, 2003 and March 12, 2008 would change the course of our lives forever. Melissa was pregnant and wanted to know our thoughts about adopting the baby!

The tears came almost instantly. My heart broke that Melissa was again in the position of having to make an adoption plan for her child. And then I went into "shut down mode". What did this mean for us? Would we adopt the baby? Did we even want the baby? We were so certain our family was complete. How could God do this to us? Could I handle a third child? And how could we ever say no? We talked for awhile and I just remember feeling numb like this could not be happening, not now. Afterall, it was never a part of my plan.

So Shawn and I talked and the tears continued. I had a million reasons why this would never work, yet in my heart I knew there was only one answer. So I prayed and prayed and prayed for direction, for peace, for clarity. And as I have done so many nights before, I feel asleep praying.

But the next morning came and direction, clarity and peace had yet to arrive. Just a continued sense of overwhelming fear. So I prayed before I started my car. I asked God for HIS will to be done in our lives, not mine, and that I would clearly see what that was. I begged for an obvious sign afraid I would overlook the subtlty of His whispers. "God make it clear. Put it in neon colors". And I started the car.

And He answered immediately through song. "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Because this broken road prepares Your will for me". And the tears fell again at record pace. Thank you God for hearing me. Thank you for providing direction when I cannot see. I see it now. I see Your will. And I will follow. But give me strength, please.

2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.