It was the afternoon of Tuesday, December 28th. A not so typical weekday that Shawn and I had taken off of work to bring the kids ice skating. When we got off the ice, I noticed a text from Melissa, Cullen's birthmom, asking that we call her that night. Not that we don't love hearing from Melissa, but this had us a bit curious. The tone was different and we knew something was most definitely "up". And we'd waited six long hours to make the call. So 9:02 hit and I dialed. That one phone call, just like the ones we'd received on June 23, 2003 and March 12, 2008 would change the course of our lives forever. Melissa was pregnant and wanted to know our thoughts about adopting the baby!
The tears came almost instantly. My heart broke that Melissa was again in the position of having to make an adoption plan for her child. And then I went into "shut down mode". What did this mean for us? Would we adopt the baby? Did we even want the baby? We were so certain our family was complete. How could God do this to us? Could I handle a third child? And how could we ever say no? We talked for awhile and I just remember feeling numb like this could not be happening, not now. Afterall, it was never a part of my plan.
So Shawn and I talked and the tears continued. I had a million reasons why this would never work, yet in my heart I knew there was only one answer. So I prayed and prayed and prayed for direction, for peace, for clarity. And as I have done so many nights before, I feel asleep praying.
But the next morning came and direction, clarity and peace had yet to arrive. Just a continued sense of overwhelming fear. So I prayed before I started my car. I asked God for HIS will to be done in our lives, not mine, and that I would clearly see what that was. I begged for an obvious sign afraid I would overlook the subtlty of His whispers. "God make it clear. Put it in neon colors". And I started the car.
And He answered immediately through song. "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Because this broken road prepares Your will for me". And the tears fell again at record pace. Thank you God for hearing me. Thank you for providing direction when I cannot see. I see it now. I see Your will. And I will follow. But give me strength, please.
2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
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