Baby Steps

Found this in our mailbox today...
This means we can officially start the Homestudy update process. Hooray! One step closer.

Restless

Feeling a little restless today. Ok, every day since we've found out. The truth is that I don't do the waiting thing so well. Especially without a real timeframe to fix my focus on. Will it be May like M thinks? Or April? Or, God forbid, June or July? The only thing getting me through is knowing that every day is one day closer. And that's one less night I will go to bed with this uncertainty that steels my sleep and my every thought. I have fallen so in love with idea of bringing this baby home. There is now an empty space in our home and in our hearts that didn't exist a month ago.

Hopefully the next few weeks bring more answers. Like when is he/she due to arrive? Will we get to find out the gender? And the big question of where we will be living. We'll have to get the homestudy started soon and that could be problematic during a move too. So, at this point, I am envisioning us staying here for awhile longer and that's fine. It would be a lot less pressure that's for sure! But we'll see.

Please keep M and the babe in your prayers! Will update again when I know more.

Let the shopping begin!

So I wouldn't be embracing this experience to the fullest extent if I didn't start shopping right? So I just had to browse the sales racks this week at Target and BabiesR'Us. Figured if it was a good deal, I'd get both genders and take back what we didn't use, right.

So here is the start...aren't they precious?!?











And the closet so far...

Lessons learned through Situation Comedy

Over the next of couple days, Melissa and I talked several more times. Of course we agreed to adopt the baby and I apologized for being so shocked at first. I assured her that we were both thrilled about the baby. I'm still not sure if I was trying to convince her of that, or convince myself.

We spoke later that week on Facebook chat. We talked about her clinic appointment on Friday and how we were both excited to get a due date and maybe even find out the gender if possible. But Friday came and went and no call from her. Then Saturday and Sunday. And it hit. Maybe I DID really want this baby.

It was only when I thought that maybe she had changed her mind and maybe we wouldn't be welcoming this baby home that I realized what was really in my heart all along. It reminded me of the Friends episode with Rachel and Phoebe. Rachel was afraid she might be pregnant and Phoebe stayed with her while she took the at home test. Just watch this clip.

That was it. I DID want this baby and maybe I was just to afraid to admit it, even to myself.

The phone call that changed everything...

It was the afternoon of Tuesday, December 28th. A not so typical weekday that Shawn and I had taken off of work to bring the kids ice skating. When we got off the ice, I noticed a text from Melissa, Cullen's birthmom, asking that we call her that night. Not that we don't love hearing from Melissa, but this had us a bit curious. The tone was different and we knew something was most definitely "up". And we'd waited six long hours to make the call. So 9:02 hit and I dialed. That one phone call, just like the ones we'd received on June 23, 2003 and March 12, 2008 would change the course of our lives forever. Melissa was pregnant and wanted to know our thoughts about adopting the baby!

The tears came almost instantly. My heart broke that Melissa was again in the position of having to make an adoption plan for her child. And then I went into "shut down mode". What did this mean for us? Would we adopt the baby? Did we even want the baby? We were so certain our family was complete. How could God do this to us? Could I handle a third child? And how could we ever say no? We talked for awhile and I just remember feeling numb like this could not be happening, not now. Afterall, it was never a part of my plan.

So Shawn and I talked and the tears continued. I had a million reasons why this would never work, yet in my heart I knew there was only one answer. So I prayed and prayed and prayed for direction, for peace, for clarity. And as I have done so many nights before, I feel asleep praying.

But the next morning came and direction, clarity and peace had yet to arrive. Just a continued sense of overwhelming fear. So I prayed before I started my car. I asked God for HIS will to be done in our lives, not mine, and that I would clearly see what that was. I begged for an obvious sign afraid I would overlook the subtlty of His whispers. "God make it clear. Put it in neon colors". And I started the car.

And He answered immediately through song. "I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. Because this broken road prepares Your will for me". And the tears fell again at record pace. Thank you God for hearing me. Thank you for providing direction when I cannot see. I see it now. I see Your will. And I will follow. But give me strength, please.

2 Corinthians 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.